So yet again things seem to be screwed up..again! I just dont know whats happening...The few weeks after I came back from wisconsin just felt so good..everything seemed to be so right and he made me feel like i really meant alot to him. It was the first time for the last like three years somebody made me feel safe and loved but for some reason i´m losing everything the exact minute im the happiest. Talking to him, hoping for him to make my day once again but what i get is more like the opposite. I´m not sure, maybe its just me thinking to much just like he always tells me, but can i really be making up all those changes? Actually i dont think so. And I´m not sure how much longer I can hold on to this and always keep hoping for the best, trying to only see the positive things. Also I dont know how to let go...I just need the tiniest spark of hope to make me fall for him over and over again. I just wish i knew what he wants but theres no way to find it out as i have the feeling that he doesnt even know. I guess he wouldnt treat me like this if he was sure that I was what he wanted all along. Its less than one and a half month until I get to see him, but what when i set my hopes too high? And nothing will turn out the way i want it to? Its so frustrating...i feel like a highschool girl falling for the guy she will never get but being naive enough to let him play with her for the longest time and never realizing that this is all just a lie shes living. He pretends to care about me and asks how i am but what if i feel like he doesnt really want the true answer? I was always the one hating the guys running after me, apologizing for things that were not worth saying sorry for, sending me a million texts when im out with friends and always wanting to be with me even though i told them i need room to breathe...now I´m feeling like im the person doing all this. Maybe thats just what makes me want him so much, that deep down inside i know i never will get him?! I dont know..well i dont know anything right now...so this will be another day/night of cluelessness... 
18.9.09 04:29



Why is it that one day i feel like everything is just so perfect and i cant stop smiling and the next day everything turns out to be another illusion. Happyness is never real i guess, or at least not for me. I just dont get it why somebody can be so cute and tell me he loves me and wishes to be with me and then the next day its all different again. And i cant help it but cry...but id never let him see..i dont want to be weak and i dont want him to know how much i really care..so i just fake another smile and pretend im fine...

I feel so lonely...and theres nobody i can talk to about all that because those people who care are too far away...

31.8.09 10:37

Lonely in germany...

So now im back in germany again i guess...and once again after coming back from america i have to see how much less people here care about me. Its kinda sad that ive lived here my whole life but looking back the best friends i ever had are the ones in america. I havent seen them for two years and i came back, they made me feel like ive never even been gone. I remember coming back from there, i was only gone for one year but my friends had changed so much...it felt like i had nothing in common with them anymore and we had nothing to talk about. Ah i cant believe how much fun i had in such a boring town like albany but i guess those people make anything fun. I hope we will be friends forever cause there is no way i can live without them!

Other than that...matt is all cute again..i dont really know what changed him but i like it alot. Maybe he noticed that he missed me when i was gone for 3 weeks. He just means so much to me.

 xoxo gossip girl alias cinderella insane haha

24.8.09 08:04

23.8.09 04:05

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