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So yet again things seem to be screwed up..again! I just dont know whats happening...The few weeks after I came back from wisconsin just felt so good..everything seemed to be so right and he made me feel like i really meant alot to him. It was the first time for the last like three years somebody made me feel safe and loved but for some reason i´m losing everything the exact minute im the happiest. Talking to him, hoping for him to make my day once again but what i get is more like the opposite. I´m not sure, maybe its just me thinking to much just like he always tells me, but can i really be making up all those changes? Actually i dont think so. And I´m not sure how much longer I can hold on to this and always keep hoping for the best, trying to only see the positive things. Also I dont know how to let go...I just need the tiniest spark of hope to make me fall for him over and over again. I just wish i knew what he wants but theres no way to find it out as i have the feeling that he doesnt even know. I guess he wouldnt treat me like this if he was sure that I was what he wanted all along. Its less than one and a half month until I get to see him, but what when i set my hopes too high? And nothing will turn out the way i want it to? Its so frustrating...i feel like a highschool girl falling for the guy she will never get but being naive enough to let him play with her for the longest time and never realizing that this is all just a lie shes living. He pretends to care about me and asks how i am but what if i feel like he doesnt really want the true answer? I was always the one hating the guys running after me, apologizing for things that were not worth saying sorry for, sending me a million texts when im out with friends and always wanting to be with me even though i told them i need room to breathe...now I´m feeling like im the person doing all this. Maybe thats just what makes me want him so much, that deep down inside i know i never will get him?! I dont know..well i dont know anything right now...so this will be another day/night of cluelessness... 
18.9.09 04:29
 


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